The Dead

Dearly Beloved

Justice of the War

Crowbar:
<crowbar>

Dearly beloved… and Pretty Boy, we are gathered here today, in the sight of the Neighborhood Watch and this company, to witness and party hard for one of life’s greatest moments, to give recognition to the worth and beauty of love, and to add our best wishes and blessings to the union of Isabella and Pretty Boy… because apparently, I’m not good enough.

Isabella and Pretty Boy <hubris> I mean Evan, marriage is an institution ordained by me, and it is not to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly… or else! But reverently, deliberately, and only after a lot of really hard consideration, for in coming together in marriage you are committing yourselves exclusively,to each other for as long as you both shall live and if you don’t I’m going to hit you with this hammer.

So here’s the deal: Do you Cough Evan, choose to marry the lovely miss Isabella right now.; to speak the words that will join you with her as your wife, forever? If so, please answer: I DO

Evan: I do

Do you Miss Isabella, choose to marry Pretty Boy <elbow> Evan on this day; to speak the words that will join you with him as your husband, for as long as you find me unactractive? If so, please answer: I DO

Isabella: I do.

Crowbar:
Then, if you would, please turn to face one another and join hands as you each take your
marital vows:

Beginning with you, silly man:
Do you, Evan, take Isabella, to be your lawfully wedded wife; to love and protect, from bullets and rpg’s, from careening vehicles and the odd possessed superhuman child, and myself when I’ll probably try to kill you five years from now? Do you take her completely and forever, such that if you ever hurt her I will impale your head on a golf club in front of the children’s center?
If so, please answer: I DO.

Evan: Uh… (Looking pleadingly toward Isabella) I do?

Crowbar:
And now you, Isabella:
Do you, Isabella Von Awesomeness, take this pansy, to be your lawfully wedded husband;to love and protect, from bullets and rpg’s, from careening vehicles and the odd possessed superhuman child, and myself when I’ll probably try to kill you five years from now? Until the day you both die in a horribly tragic flaming screaming metal deathtrap death? And for as long as I am the sexiest orc ever? If so, please answer: I DO.

Isabella: I do…

<ring>

What tokens of love and respect do you offer each other? Hand grenades? Flat Screen Televisions? A $20 gift card to Granny’s Counrty Buffet?

<rings />

The wedding ring is the outward sign of the cycle of the word, signifying to all
the union life and death, inevitability and progress. Some guy once said, “The nature of God is like a circle whose center is everywhere and circumference is nowhere.” But he was full of crap. The world is what binds us together. May the rings that you hold symbolize the nature of God in your lives, and as often as either of you see them, may you be reminded of this moment and the endless love you have promised to each other, even if he is a pretty boy.

Evan, as you present Isabella with her wedding ring and pledge your love and your
life to her, will you please repeat after me:

Baby, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love. With all that I am, and all
that I have, I promise to love and honor you always. With this ring, I thee wed.

Evan: <repeats>

Crowbar:
Isabella as you present Pretty Boy with his wedding ring and pledge your love and your
life to him, will you please repeat after me:
Pretty Boy, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love. With all that I am, and all
that I have, I promise to love and honor you always. With this ring, I thee wed.

Isabella: <repeats>

Crowbar:
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, if each of you is earnest insomuch as to join together, than please spill a drop of your blood into this sacred goblet to join each other before this earth and garden in a bond that can never be broken. <they>

I now pronounce you mates for eternity. And may no man
tear it asunder <crowbar>.
Okay, you may now make out!

<the>

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MrSmileys Devioushyde

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